Weird News

Illegal Immigration: Let’s talk about it

Unless you live under a Dwayne Johnson, you’ve probably noticed immigration is a hot topic in a news. A muy caliente subject, if you will. Much like the food, what’s going on in Mexico is making me sick. It’s the second hardest thing to digest. There’s a big push to let these immigrants be free. I’ll be honest, is that really necessary? They’re already pretty cheap as it is.

Illegal immigration is in a terrible state right now. Texas, more specifically. The humidity there is the real crime. “It’s actually more of a dry heat down there”. Shut the fuck up, weirdly condescending voice in my head.

If you keep up with politics, it’s clear that President Trump is adamant about closing Borders. I don’t agree with that. I think he should shut down Barnes & Nobles instead. Trump claims a large majority of Immigrants are drug dealers. That’s fine with me. Selling drugs is a job I could never do. Not with my elementary understanding of fractions. Oh you want an eighth? Convert that to decimals for me, then we can talk.

But seriously, what’s going on is wrong. I can’t even watch the news anymore. If I wanted to watch immigrants be exploited in cages I’d order a UFC fight on pay per view. If I wanted to watch this many Mexicans break through a wall I’d watch an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Some will argue that I can’t truly understand what these people are going through due to the color of my skin. But seriously. Have you seen my tan? My perfectly bronzed skin legitimately might get me deported. I’m a beach day away from an ICE raid. I won’t go near a Home Depot with this olive glow. No way, Jose.

It’s easy to forget that our country was founded on the concept of immigration. The idea that one could leave a land of oppression and start fresh here in the United States. A lot of us wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for the opportunity to relocate here. Who knows where my family would be without immigration. Probably in the same place actually, but our yard would be a disaster.

A lot of people have an issue with the fact that border control is separating parents and kids at the border. That’s a fair complaint. It’s disgusting that our country has reached that point. I miss the good ole days when the only time kids were separated from their parents against their will was during a messy divorce. THAT’s the America I grew up in. At least when my parents put me in my cage they do it out of love. How else were they supposed to potty train me?

I know how it feels. I was separated from my dad, but that’s just because he went out to pick up a pizza eleven years ago and hasn’t come home yet. But I think that says more about the service industry than our relationship. I can still remember him getting into his car and backing out of the driveway. “Oh now he knows how to pull out”, my mother whispered under breathe. I’m still not sure what that had to do with the pizza.

And obviously there’s the job debate. A lot of people claim that Mexicans are stealing the work of white men like me, but c’mon, there are plenty of schools for the both of us to shoot up.

Honestly I blame the schools for this mess. Maybe if we focused more on our Ese’s than our essays, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Regardless of all that, I do see progress. Just today I witnessed the Mexican soccer team create a wall to block a penalty kick. That’s the definition of giving someone a taste of their own medicine. Literally turning their weakness into a strength. Then again, the penalty was a result of an offside call. Even on the soccer pitch they can’t help entering land they don’t belong in.

I just hope in the end America does the right thing: Open the borders so we can exploit illegal immigrants for their cheap labor and the lucrative tax shelters that come with hiring them. That would make Uncle Sam proud.


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