She gives birth to a baby that you don’t think is yours
This is always a huge giveaway that your girlfriend/wife has been unfaithful, especially if you guys haven’t had sex yet.
She invites you to her wedding
A knew something was up when she invited me to her wedding for our third date. I should have seen it coming earlier. Probably when we went dress shopping on our second date.
She spends a lot of time with the pool boy
This happened to me once. I was always a bit suspicious that her and the pool boy had something going on. I think what finally gave it away was the fact that we didn’t have a pool.
She has 6 different numbers in her phone contacts listed as “Daddy”
Listen, it’s 2018. I have no problem with dating a girl who has multiple dads. It just didn’t make sense that half of them were younger than her.
Her gay best friend is weirdly homophobic
I should have known something was up when her gay best friend would always call me a faggot. I just assumed it was like a black guy calling me the N word. Then again, he was also black.
She never lets you visit her at her job as a waitress
I dated a girl who worked as a waitress, and she would NEVER let me visit her at work. I’m not sure why. It seemed like a good job. She would always come home with a ton of cash (mostly singles). Which makes sense because it seemed like she worked really hard. She must have been real busy carrying trays, because her hands would always have blisters and smell like metal. Still not sure why she carried a gun.
She always kisses her Uber drivers
This one was on me. Whenever this girl slept over, the Uber she called the next morning was always the same guy in the same car. She also always greeted him with a kiss. I assumed she just took pride in her rating. Then again, the fact that she didn’t have the Uber app probably should have been a red flag.
She always posts pictures with a different guy
I dated a girl who used to always post pictures of herself with a guy in the military. I just wish it was our military. The silver lining is I’m now Eskimo bros with 72 virgins. Well, 71 now, I guess. At least now I know why she always yelled “Allah Akbar” in bed.