I don’t think I’m alone when I say girls have absolutely abused their privileges when it comes to social media. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women’s rights, I just don’t think those rights should include posting a happy birthday PowerPoint presentation on their Instagram story on a daily basis. Personally, I have an incredibly rigid protocol when it comes to my friends’ birthdays. I send one (1) text saying “happy birthday” followed by some type of derogatory name. “Happy birthday, nerd” is a good one. “Happy birthday, woat” is a go to. “Happy birthday you old fuck” is a classic (it makes my grandmother’s day every year). What I’m saying is it’s a fool proof template. But I digress.
But the woes of females using social media do not stop there. It’s to the point that I’m thinking of just deleting every girl (of which there are many) I’m connected with on every form of social media. Just turn my Instagram into a guys’ night out. My Facebook will be one big locker room.
And don’t get my wrong, guys have plenty of faults of their own on the internet. No one gives a fuck about a pic of you and your four boys all wearing slightly different variations of the same button up shirt. Nice #SaturdaysAreForTheBoys caption. You’re 26.
But I’ll give you ladies a chance, so here are some tips to stop this doomsday plan:
Stop posting Snapchats of the kids you babysit
Nothing worse than scrolling through stories, then all of a sudden a video of a toddler in the bathtub pops up. That’s going zero to Mitch Martinez real quick. Also there’s no way parents are chill with that, right?
Stop posting the Sagamore Bridge every time you go to the cape
Unless this is followed by another post of you jumping off, I don’t care.
No more “on a date, kinda nervous” Snapchat captions
Oh hahaha I get it, because you’re actually platonic friends of the same sex not actually on a date. Did you come up with that yourself? That’s some Larry David level comedic irony.
There’s no need to Instagram your passport when you’re traveling
I saw a girl post a picture of her passport with a caption like “Catch flights, not feelings” and I’m pretty sure she was going to St. Louis or some shit like that. I’m just not sure “Wanderlust” is the right caption for a domestic flight on Spirit Airlines. “Where to next?” I don’t know, fucking baggage claim?