Drinking is like life, most people besides me suck at it. Being a drinker is actually quite similar to being an artist, mostly because neither probably make enough money to support a family. Beers are like minorities. Old white guys are really good at putting them down. But since I consider myself both an artist and a drinker, I feel qualified to lend out advice on how to drink responsibly.
First, it’s important to know your limit in regards to all the different types of drinks. Obviously the volume of beer I can drink exceeds how much whiskey, or vodka, or tears of my enemies I can put down. Beer’s probably the easiest drink to track, as they come in individual cans with labeled alcohol content, so here’s my guide to drinking beers.
Everyone knows the first three beers don’t count. If you have had three beers or less, in my mind you’re dead sober. This is the perfect amount to consume before picking up your kids from school and then realizing it’s Saturday, and also that you don’t have kids.
These are the “I probably shouldn’t drive home” level of beers, and coincidentally the “I wish I had a home to drive to” level of beers. At this point it’s safe to say that you’re legally drunk, but then again, there’s nothing legal about the playground you’re urinating in.
Once I hit beer number eight, I start having thoughts like “why am I this drunk on a Tuesday?” and “I should probably get back from my lunch break”.
By now that chubby girl across the bar is starting to look pretty cute, until you realize she’s actually a male bouncer with long hair. Regardless he’s thiccc as fuck and he knows it.
Okay now you’re finally ready to go to your grandmother’s wake.
So as you can see, drinking beers usually end in pretty chill nights, but now lets get into my guide to hard alcohol:
Tequila always makes my eyes water, mostly because it tastes like my parents’ divorce. I prefer to take my tequila in shot form, since the only thing it mixes well with is loneliness.
Whenever I drink vodka I always wake up in a strange bed. Usually one in the middle of Jordan’s Furniture.
I’m not a big whiskey drinker. Much like my grandfather I try my best to stay away from browns.
So yea, I drink and I know things.