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Homeless Man with No Arms Stabs Tourist with Scissors

MIAMI (AP) — A homeless Florida man with no arms has been charged with stabbing a Chicago tourist.

Miami Beach police say 46-year-old Jonathan Crenshaw held a pair of scissors with his feet and stabbed 22-year-old Cesar Coronado just after midnight Tuesday. The Miami Herald reports that Crenshaw is a popular fixture in the area, known for painting on canvases along a trendy spot in South Beach.

If you get stabbed by a guy with no arms, that’s 1000% on you and I refuse to feel bad. If I ever get killed via someone without arms stabbing me, I hope I’m somehow brought back to life just so I can kill myself. And with a pair scissors? Who stabbed you? Boo Radley?

Getting stabbed by a man with no arms is like getting cyberbullied by Helen Keller. It’s like losing a game of “I Spy” to Ray Charles. I feel like this is so easy to prevent. Like I’m pretty sure if you push him over he has no way to get back up. It’s like tipping a cow.

I am curious about how he held the scissors in his foot. Did he put two toes in each of the holes? Did he wedge the blade in between two toes? Are we sure is wasn’t scissors at all and he just had really long toe nails? I need answers.

Also we can all agree this homeless man is an Avenger or some shit, right? Being able to attack someone with your feet should legally be classified as a superpower. Can we install some type of Bat Symbol for this dude? He’s not the hero we deserve, but he’s the hero we need.

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