Everyone knows I’m a man of high fashion. A provocatively sexual being by nature. A fellow of infinite jest. That’s why I’m turning the fashion world on it’s big phat head this summer, and exclusively, elusively, and allusively sporting a bathing suit for the remainder of the summer months.
For starters I look absolutely enthralling in my dainty little number. The manner in which my loins bust erotically through the seams of my bathing suit can only be matched by the rapturous, yet insubmissive presence of my ass cheeks slapping back and forth against my built in webbed underwear like a heated match at Wimbledon, simultaneously dripping sweat and lust. Both equally salty.
The provocative inseam let’s my dancer legs out to play, as they deliver a much needed lecture to everyone in attendance concerning the perfect balance of tone and thicccness. That, complimented by my skin full of olive glow and baby bottom softness, combine to create a full on artistic and somewhat pornographic experience. All while my animalistic leg hair gives off a raw, unadulterated, lewd vibe.
So make no mistake, the bathing suit is the clothing item of the summer. And trust me, I’m wearing it absolutely everywhere. Just tonight I wore it out to dinner with my parents as we stopped by a local lounge full of socialites and individuals of grandeur (The 99). The minute I walked in I was treated as a man of stature (after the 30 minute wait). The popcorn was flowing at a menstruating pace, and my wish was the chef’s command when I asked if I could get the Buffalo wings and potato skins sampler appetizer as my meal. It was refreshing to finally have someone understand my sophisticated palate.
Waitresses giggled sensually as I strutted by. Presumably thinking thoughts like, “With the balls it takes to wear swim trunks 24/7, the lining in his webbed underwear must be working overtime”. Thankfully, it was exceptionally cool in the restaurant, so my testicles retreated back up into my stomach in a shy and timid manner. It’s okay, boys. Daddy’s here.
So at this point if you’re still wearing underwear and land shorts you are an absolute buffoon. You’re walking around looking like a Pilgrim. I honestly don’t think I could ever go back. Wearing two pairs of pants already seems like such a foreign concept.
Underwear now just seems completely unnecessary. I think every pair of pants should just have it built in. “Oh but then your pants will get dirty every time you wear them”. Yea it’s called wiping and showering regularly you incel.
My bathing suit and I are so far ahead of you it’s not even funny. I got stuck in the rain today and did not care one bit. Just took off my shirt and I was basically running through a sprinkler. And yes I absolutely shower in it. Don’t knock it until you’ve experienced the nirvana of cleaning yourself AND doing laundry at the same time. I step out of the shower and I’m already completely dressed and ready to wreak havoc on every man, woman, and child I come in contact with. Pretty sure I’m also saving time and the environment when I do that too. When it rains it pours.
So yea. Bathing suits all summer 18. Life’s a water park. Come get moist.
PS: If you call bathing suits “board shorts”, kill yourself.
PPS: That goes double if you’re a person who wears underwear under your bathing suit or if you wear gym shorts to the beach.