Life Advice

Please Consider Donating to My Facebook Birthday Fundraiser

So as you probably know by now, today is my birthday. Crazy to think that 23 years ago today my dad gave birth to me. Time flies. Anyway, with that, I’ve decided to take part in the new trend of people raising money on Facebook for a charity that they care about. For my charity, I chose The Utah Coalition Against Pornography.

Why did I decide to go with UCAP (That’s what us long time donors call it)? Simple. Because Porn is ruining America. It’s the reason the mailman won’t come near my house anymore. It’s why I’ve been blacklisted from every pool boy job in the Metro Boston area. It’s why the coconut oil in my house is bolted down to the bathroom sink. Mom how many times do I have to tell you, my elbows get very dry. Especially when I’m lonely.

It’s also a completely false representation of sex. That’s not what it’s like at all. Like why isn’t he crying? Why isn’t she reading a book while looking at the clock every 30 seconds? Why isn’t she on her phone texting her ex-boyfriend. Where’s the 30 minutes of apologizing after? It’s honestly just lazy acting on their part. Every ten minute porn video I’ve seen has been nine minutes and forty five seconds too long.

Call me old fashion, but I believe that sexual content should only be viewed in one setting: When a sex scenes comes out of nowhere while watching a film with your parents. I just wish it would stop happening when we watch home movies.

Porn is incredibly dangerous to our society. Do you know what the most commonly transmitted STD is? A computer virus.

So all I’m asking of you all today as a birthday present is to considering donating to this worthy cause. Consider becoming an internet donor against internet boners. Maybe team up and DP it with a friend. Yea, Double Philanthropists. Every dollar counts. Even spare change. Just the tip.

1 comment on “Please Consider Donating to My Facebook Birthday Fundraiser

  1. Loved this one. Really needed the laugh today.

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