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Breaking: National Geographic Joins the Four Loko Fast Life

Dear all the haters who looked down on me for consistently drinking Four Lokos despite not being 15 years old. Dear every cashier who tossed me a silly look when I placed a Green Apple Four Loko on the counter at 10am, only to inform me that there’s a $5 minimum, basically forcing me to buy another Loko. Dear every Uber driver who wouldn’t let me bring my Loko into their car because it was “incredibly illegal” (I had two sips left):

This one’s for you:

Oh how the turntables have turned.

That’s right. National Geographic (ever heard of it?). Yes. That National Geographic, just posted a picture to their Instagram (is 90 million followers a lot?) of a these two just crushing a Four Loko Gold on the beach.

I’ve never felt more validation in my life. All my hard work finally coming to fruition. Us Four Loko fanatics can finally cease living in the shadows of society. Our days of tip toeing around social norms are over. And guess what? You’re welcome.

Do I deserve absolute and complete credit for this? I’m not sure, let’s go back in history:

May, 2018:

IMG_0800

Just a kid with a dream. But guess what? Apparently I was wide awake (woke) the whole time.

August, 2018:

Am I the best protester ever? It’s not up to me to decide, but definitely. It took Civil Rights a million man march to get on the map. The feminists had to knit their silly little hats. The gays utilized a fabulous amount of glitter. But me, all I needed was a poster board from CVS, a Sharpie I found in my backpack, and the thicccc skin to walk around Washington DC in the late May heat while furiously getting hissed at and heckled by eighth graders on their class trip. So here’s a little newsflash to the 14 year old boys who called me a pussy: My pussy grabs back.

But don’t let that distract you from how flawless of a picture this is. Everything about this post is perfect. This has to be a front runner for Time Magazine Picture of the Year. I need this in a museum. I need this picture placed in a time capsule so people in the year 4000 know what life in this time was really like.

Nothing better than taking a girl out to the lake to watch a romantic sunset with a Four Loko Gold. I can picture it now. You both sink into the sand as you sit down next to each other. Shoulders brushing like the paintbrush of an artist who’s masterful stroke couldn’t even come close to the beauty that’s bestowed in front you. She looks at you. You look at her. And despite how wildly lost you get in her eyes, you know exactly where you are, and you know it’s exactly where you should be.

Her hand braces your thigh, and you tense up like a little school boy. She inches her hand over your pants until she comes across something big and hard. She reaches in your pants and pulls it out. Yes, there it is. The Four Loko Gold you’ve been carrying in your waste band all night. “It’s so big”, she exclaims. Oh what a night, indeed.

Do I have to start writing Erotic Four Loko stories? I really have no choice. 

I do have to admit I’m bit sour. I’ve been drinking Four Lokos in the woods for years, and not once has National Geographic posted a photograph of me. If drinking a Four Loko outside gets you on National Geographic, then I might as well be Charles Darwin. It’s just tough to see these two basking in the fruits of my labor.

Also how about this guy getting friendzoned by National fucking Geographic? That’s like getting ghosted by The Wall Street Journal. Might as well get catfished by Vogue.

Lastly, it’s now 100% official that if you don’t support Four Lokos, don’t support interracial couples. Have fun drinking your IPA tonight, racist.

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