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The Complete Guide to Apartment Hunting in NYC

Don’t be afraid to use Craigslist

Craigslist is a great tool for finding housing in New York City. Anytime you can secure a place to live on the same website where you can purchase a human at an hourly rate, I consider that a win. The only issue is I can’t afford either of the latter. Because whether it’s a person or an apartment, if you’re paying under $1000, once you get inside neither are going to smell great.

The best part about using the site to find an apartment, is the fact that I can finally start conversations with “Hey it’s Tim from Craigslist”, without the fear of Chris Hanson walking in my front door. It’s the little things in life.

Then again I now have what looks like the most incriminating text messages on my phone. It’s just full of me texting unsaved numbers things like “Can you send pics?” “How big’s the bed?” “Do you take Venmo?” “Can I cum over?” (The last one actually had nothing to do with apartment hunting. That’s just how I ask my guy friends to hang out).

Remember that basic living necessities are completely overrated

You know the mind teasing interview question, “How many windows are in Manhattan?”. Well the answer is apparently much lower than I originally thought, because almost every bedroom I’ve toured lacks one. And honestly, good. I don’t want one. I’d take Natural Ice over Natural Light anyway. You know what else didn’t have windows? Jesus’ tomb. Nelson Mandela’s jail cell. Anne Frank’s attic. Add me to that list any day. Not to mention Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK through a window, so basically I’m just eliminating risk.

Don’t be afraid of unconventional floor plans

I looked at one apartment in Soho, and the bathroom was really nice, except for the fact that it was in the kitchen. As in there was a toilet and a bathtub in the middle of the apartment next to the fridge and oven. And the bathtub didn’t even have a shower head. So if I ever wanted to clean myself, I would have to take a bubble bath, once again, in the kitchen. There was also the other little detail that I would be sharing the space with an elderly Asian man. I know it doesn’t make a difference that he’s Asian, but realistically it definitely does. Basically, what I’m trying to get at is that the place was perfect.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was the dirtiest, smelliest place I’ve ever stepped foot in, I would have 10000% moved in. I’d be an idiot to say no to that content. I could probably turn it into a TV deal. Just imagine me living my day to day life with a small Asian man in an apartment where the bathroom is in the kitchen. He’d be having a nice soak in the tub while I straddle over him to put my Hot Pockets in the microwave. He’d fry up some homemade cat while I shave in the kitchen sink. Real World, except just me and an old Asian man. Weal World.

Be open to living with either gender

I’m open to living with either gender, my only fear is living with multiple woman, only to have them plot against me while their cycles line up. Next thing I know I’m taking estrogen pills to level the playing field. We all know how that story goes. Two weeks and three cup sizes later I’m making decisions based off emotions and not my usual logic and killer instincts. That’s a tale as old as time.

 

 

 

 

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