Cooking meals at home is a must when it comes to saving money. Unfortunately, with my fast paced life consisting of awkward eye contact on the train and fending off homeless men in the street, fitting in time to cook meals at home quickly becomes an uphill battle. Thankfully, I’ve been able to figure out a cheat code to resolve this issue. With that, here are some easy recipes that you can quickly make at home without missing a beat:
Breakfast for Dinner
Breakfast for dinner is the official meal of single fathers trying their best. Pro tip to the kids out there: If you ever come home to your dad cooking pancakes three (3) nights in a row, that means dad really fucked up. Know that two Christmases are on the way this year. Mom’s not coming home anytime soon. But unlike visitation rights, this festive meal isn’t limited to two (supervised) visits a month, and that’s why breakfast for dinner has been a staple in my diet.
I’ve reached a point that I now live the life of a single dad, despite not having any kids (fingers crossed). If you were handed a blind profile of my life and spending habits, you’d be like “this is clearly the life of a recently divorced man.” Sure, I don’t have to pay child support or anything, but every time I pay rent, it sure feels like she took half.
Technically Domino’s isn’t considered “eating at home”, but a gray (grey?) area comes into play when you wake up with it in your bed from the night before. Then I’m pretty sure that falls under the category of breakfast in bed. Just like that my cramped New York City apartment (that I share with a 45 year old man I met on the internet) transforms into a cozy winter cabin tucked deeply in the mountains of Vermont (that I still share with a 45 year old man I met on the internet).
I’ve been trying this new diet trend called “eating fruit”, and from what I hear, it’s quite the craze. Apparently it’s healthy and will help me live past 28. Sounds too good to be true, but it’s worth a shot. Anyway, I’ve been buying my fruit exclusively from small Cuban men on the street. I know, you’re probably wondering why every Cuban man in New York City is noticeably short. That befuddled me at first too. I thought to myself “Where are all the tall and strong Cubans? Then I turned on the Yankees game and was like “Oh, there they are”.
Regardless, my new routine is buying a bunch of bananas, apples, and other various colored (African American) fruits that I don’t know the names of. Then that’s what I eat for breakfast every morning. My main concern is if this is safe. Like I doubt there’s a ton of quality control going down in that operations. I wouldn’t be surprised if these fruits are where the Colombians smuggle their drugs through, not actually expecting anyone to actually buy them, and I’m fucking up their entire drug cartel operation because I can’t afford to go to Whole Foods.
But have you seen the prices at Whole Foods? $2 a Banana? I stick to buying my cocaine residue fruit on the side of the street. I mean I guess it helps that I wash them off in the sink, but then again I’m pretty sure my tap water is 30% lead.