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The Burger King anti-bullying ad everyone is talking about is stupid

Usually, when great big corporations muddle in social issues, it can come off as cheesy at best – and tonally inappropriate and downright offensive at worst. This new anti-bullying PSA from Burger King though is just perfect.

It’s a simple premise. They had a high school junior bullied, and whopper Jr’s bullied – to see which people would get upset about most.

According to the ad, while 95% of patrons spoke up about their mishandled burgers, just 12% actually stood up against bullying of a human being.

Everyone is freaking out about this ad, talking about how sad it is that people are more likely to speak out against a bad Whopper than bullying, but it actually seems pretty reasonable to me. Like, if I was in this video, and saw some twelve year old bullies, I have no doubt I would do absolutely nothing. Middle school kids scare the absolute shit out of me. Those kids are ruthless. The only person more mean than a twelve year old boy is a twelve year old girl, and I’m not crossing her either.

I ran the situation in my head a few times, and in no scenario does it end well. First off, that kid could easily beat the shit out of me. I came to Burger King to get my ass whooped by their food, not by some 7th grader. I’d tell that kid to cut it out, then next thing I know my head is in a toilet. No thank you. I’d prefer if I didn’t get my shit rocked when all I wanted was an Icee. If he didn’t beat me up, he would definitely make fun of me and hurt my feelings. Boys those age have absolutely no filter, and are sadistic as shit. It’s not like they’d just call me gay, or a pussy, I can handle that. They’d dig deep and pull out insecurities I didn’t even know I had. I’d walk out puffy eye’d rethinking my entire life. I’ll just sit there quietly and enjoy my food.

And even if I did decide to play hero ball and speak up, it’s not going to do anything. This kid has been an asshole his entire life. You think he’s going to change his ways and reevaluate the way he treats people all because I told him to stop? You can’t reason with middle school boys. If you could, pedophiles would have a much higher success rate, so that’s probably a good thing. The only way to get this kid to stop would be to physically  fight him, and win. Sadly, that’s frowned upon in our society today.

You want to stop bullies? Then make it okay for grown adults to beat up kids again. That’s the only way. Why are we making the poor kids getting bullied do all the work? When kids tell their parents that they’re getting bullied, the parents either tell them to stand up for themselves, or tell the teacher. Both never work. This isn’t the movies, where the scrawny kid comes in one day and beats up the bully. That has happened zero times. Your kid is bullied for a reason. He’s sort of a pussy, which is fine, just make sure he gets really good at math or music. And I shouldn’t even have to explain why telling the teacher is a bad idea. That’s gonna get you alienated from the class real quick. Avoid that at all costs.

If my kid ever gets bullied, I’m going into school the next day and beating the absolute shit out of the bully, and his father, assuming he’s not bigger than more, or black (I pick and choose my battles). Yea, daddy’s got your back. It’s all fun and games until I show up to morning drop off with brass knuckles. Don’t want me to beat up your kid? Don’t raise an asshole. Pretty simple formula. It might seem over the top, but I’ll be able to take it as much as I can give it. If my kid is being a dick, I’ll have no problem with another parent slapping him around. Less work for me. Just stay away from the face, that’s going to be his money maker.

What fighting technique would I use to fight a child? Glad you asked. I would try to keep the fight on our feet and avoid the ground game. Once you start grappling with a kid it’s over for you. You never want to be seen straddling a kid in a playground. That’s a bad visual, and people are going to get the wrong idea. Not trying to end up on a certain list on the internet.

So I guess it’s nice that Burger King spent the time to try to stop bullying, but they went about it all wrong. Until fully grown parents can beat up children, bullying isn’t going anywhere. Sadly, people will continue to not take my advice, and we will continue to live in a world of hate. Nevertheless, I persisted.