Christopher Columbus Still Thinks He’s in India
Through the cover of darkness, three ships of Spanish decent, cruised through the calm waters of the Caribbean. The Nina, The Pinta, and The Santa Maria, whose names seem more appropriate for Reno strippers than sailboats, were making their way to Asia. The ships were led by Christopher Columbus, a discoverer in a quest to acquire valuable spices and gold from the far away destination. “I see land!” shouted a ship mate. “Bullshit” thought Columbus. The ship mates were always fucking with him and get was getting really sick of it. He walked out of his captain’s quarters, still gaining consciousness, as he had just awoken from a wet dream. Several other men emerged from their bunks, and a commotion began to stir.
Christopher pulled out his telescope, and took a look for himself. He couldn’t believe his eyes. “India!” he exclaimed. “Holy shit its India!” The crew erupted into cheers. They were ecstatic to see land, as it had been a long journey, and things were beginning to get weird. The ship continued towards land as a celebration began. Hugs and kisses were being exchanged, but not in a gay way. Then again, once you spend several month on a ship with a bunch of guys, the term gay becomes a little fuzzy.
The crew partied all night, and like an alcoholic father picking up his son from baseball practice, arrived drunk and out of place. “INDIA! INDIA! INDIA” the crew chanted as they rolled up on the beach. The ship reeked of vomit and urine, and the boys were excited to get off the ship and enjoy some of India’s finest spices and women.
Upon stepping foot on land, several of the veteran travelers showed a bit of concern. They’ve done business in India before, and it was not as they remembered. “Captain Columbus?” one the old timers inquired, “Are you sure this India?” he continued. “I’m not just sure” said Columbus, “I’m black plague positive”. The joke fell flat, as Columbus was noticeably more intoxicated than the rest of the crew, and also a shitty drunk. Nevertheless, the men continued exploring, until they finally came upon some locals.
“Indians!” Columbus slurred. “I-N-D-I-A-N-motha fuckin –S, Indians”. The villagers seemed confused, as they weren’t used to seeing a such an intoxicated European, being that NASCAR season wouldn’t start for another 400 years. The locals approached with caution
One local, who seemed to be in charge, approach Columbus and the rest of the crew. He directed a downwards head nod at them, in a serious, yet welcoming manor. Christopher countered with a kiss on the cheek. The local’s gaydar went through the roof. He quickly retreated with the rest of his men, and assembled in a defensive, yet aggressive formation. “Whoa whoa whao,” said the Spanish captain, “I didn’t mean any harm” as he swung his arm against his new friend. “We finally made it to India, we’re just happy to be here.”
The native leader looked back at his men, puzzled and confused. “Does this faggot (he was a bit homophobic) think he’s in India?” he asked his right hand man. “What the fuck is India?’” he responded back. “Excuse me, Mr…Columbus, it is? This India place you speak of, this isn’t it.” Christopher shifted his drunk eyes back towards the native leader. “You’re telling me this isn’t India?” The native leader shook his head. “Nah this India” Columbus explained. “If this isn’t India, then why are you guys Indians?” “We’re not” said the native leader. “Shit” said Columbus, “we’ll figure it out in the morning”.
Morning came, and Columbus and his men brutally murdered the native people and took their land. After the fact, he finally sobered up and realized he wasn’t in India. Whoops. Don’t drink and explore, kids.
Donald Trump, Financial Reform, and the Holocaust
“Donald”, said Brendan, the young nervous staffer on the first day of his White House job, “you have a meeting in twenty minutes with your cabinet concerning the repealing of the Dodd Frank Act”. Donald, in a befuddled, yet confident manner looked up from his phone. “Ah yes”, said the Commander in Chief, “The Anne Frank Act” he proclaimed powerfully, “we must do away with it immediately” he continued. Brendan, who was in over his head at the job his uncle got him, opened his mouth but no words came out. In a wave of shock, he silently shook his head and left the room. Did the President just mistake the name of the biggest financial bill in history with a 12 year old girl who was killed by NAZI’s? No way, he thought. Yes, Brendan knew the President to make mistakes from time to time, but not of this magnitude. He continued on with his day.
20 minutes later, some of the most powerful individuals in Washington gathered in a conference room, marked with secret service staff at each entrance. Attending the meeting was Paul Ryan, Betsy Devos, Mike Pence, and of course, President Donald Trump. As the room settled, and the press was cleared out, Donald took a seat at the head of the table. “Hello everyone, I hope that you are all excited about killing Anne Frank as I am.” The room, at first a bit puzzled, let the ruler of the free world continue to speak. “Financial reform is long overdue in this country, as the government has been playing much too large of a role in the free market.” The clear and conscious thought that came from the President’s mouth took attention away from his opening remark. The room opened up for debate.
“We must address this act immediately”, suggested Vice President Pence. The room nodded in agreement. “Mr. President, we’ve had some bad press lately,” Speaker Paul Ryan added, “and I think that it would be most beneficial to address the media immediately, concerning your plan for the destruction and replacement of the act”. Pence interjected “we have had some of our best financial minds do some research on the Act, and have found some findings that prove that it does more bad than good.” “It’s so accurate that the details are down to the day” added Devos. “Almost like a diary” said Ryan.
“Hmm… A diary of Anne Frank?” Trump thought to himself. “Genius, how has no one thought of that before?” he mumbled. After pondering the thought through his head for several seconds, President Trump stood from his seat, and proclaimed his intentions. “Get CNN on the phone, I will be making my official statement concerning the act at 4pm today.” The room broke into controlled chaos, as staffers scurried out to begin what would be quite the hectic afternoon.
After several hours in the Oval Office, President Trump emerged. He carried nothing but a speech in his hand and a smug grin on his face. He had a look in his eyes that rivaled a predator stalking its prey. He had everyone just where he wanted them. The media, the Democrats, everyone. He knew that once he delivered this blow, the narrative of his presidency would shift momentously. As a man who has made a living in the spotlight, he knew an iconic moment when he saw one, and this was about to be it. This was something that would live in history books. A case study for financial reform and economic policy. He walked down the hallway, and into the press room.
Before him stood the world, cameras from every outlet stared back at him with their red lights on, while he settled in to deliver his speech. The President then went on a 15 minute rant about killing Anne Frank. His office is unavailable for comments at this time.